Evaluating a Marriage

There is no straightforward formula for deciding if a marriage is worth fighting for. That said, honest answers to the following questions will nearly always provide a degree of clarity.

• Do you enjoy spending time together? One of the primary reasons for being in a marriage is that it’s fun and enjoyable at least some of the time. Spouses should be counted as a best friend. So, do you enjoy each other’s company?
• Do you play well together? Good marriages are built on shared interests. No, you don’t have to enjoy all of your spouse’s pastimes and hobbies, or vice versa, but you do need to have a few important things that you both enjoy. And yes, raising kids together counts.
• Do you trust your spouse? Trust is an essential element in healthy relationships. If two people trust each other, if they know they have each other’s backs no matter what, that’s a solid relationship foundation. Admittedly, your spouse’s trust in you is probably shattered right now, and rightfully so. So the real question here is whether you still implicitly trust your spouse.
• Do you share core values? It is not necessary to agree on every little thing, but healthy couples do need at least a bit of common ground regarding things like religion, politics, finances, education, kids, and the like.
• Are you able to disagree without blowing up? In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. When a marriage is healthy, disagreements offer a growth opportunity – a chance to learn about one another and grow closer as a result. When a marriage is not so healthy, even the smallest issue can become a smoldering resentment and a roadblock to intimacy.
• Do you respect one another? In other words, do you feel free to be your own person, and do you value your spouse’s right to the same? Are you and your spouse able to respectfully (maybe even enjoyably) have separate opinions, activities, friendships, and the like?
• Do you support one another? Are you and your spouse there for each other when the going gets tough? Do you each feel happy when the other succeeds and/or grows as a person? If one of you wants to try something new and different (other than sexual infidelity, of course), is that decision encouraged and supported?
• Do you still turn each other on? Even the best marriages are not hot and heavy forever. The honeymoon phase always passes. That said, if you’re thinking about staying together, you probably want and need at least a spark of physical attraction.
• Are you both invested in the marriage? If you’ve cheated on your spouse, you need to accept that the damage you’ve done may be more than he or she is willing to accept. If so, there is nothing you can do about that. In regard to your own decision, you must ask yourself if you entered into the affair because you were trying to find a way out of your marriage, or if you started cheating more on impulse without thinking too much about your spouse and marriage.